I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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