i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I am spending my child support on dildos
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
