At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
