i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
