Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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