I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
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