dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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