There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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