I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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