i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize