is your mom at the bar?
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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