Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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