I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
