i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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