I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Randomize
