I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
