I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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