My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
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