Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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