i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
