Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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