you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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