theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i love accidental penises.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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