dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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