Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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