Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Randomize
