I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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