I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
