she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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