Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
