i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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