uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
