Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
