First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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