I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
