he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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