I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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