ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
