So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
