I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
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