Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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