just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
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