Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
