Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
