but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
