It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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