I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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