They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
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i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
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Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
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