He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Everyone says I win the strip club
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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