i think i have two assholes
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?