So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
