seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
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the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
foreskin is a definite game changer
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
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It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.