i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
