I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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