I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
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If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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